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1/1/2023
Drinking: Iced Green Tea
Listening: "Margo Guryan - Sunday Morning"

Hello and Happy New Year !!
I've been doing good lately and I had a great holiday season. It started on the 18th of Dec. I've never celebrated Hannukah before but I attended the Menorah lighting on the first night of Hannukah and I had an awesome time! Even though my close family and I aren't Christian, like a lot of Australia we still celebrate Christmas. I opened my gifts with my parents and brother at home on Christmas morning. My favourite gifts were money, Adrift by Tracey Williams, and a beautiful heart shaped philodenron ( I am starting to aquire plants). We then travelled to the coast to visit my grandparents and other relitives. We had a small lunch and a big dinner. My Granpa lives on the beach and I went swimming for hours, it was awesome, I saw weird seabugs on the seaweed and swam out further then I ever had before. I got really sunburnt though.The next day I went swimming again, and visited a close friend who lives near by. On the 27th I went to J's house and him, his brother and I travelled about 45 minutes out of town, to another beach, to stay in a beautiful airbnb his dad had rented out for the Christmas season. His little brother was there too, he is walking and talking now. We went swimming and to the beach and I also went fishing for the first time !! I didn't catch anything but what the others catched we threw back and I watched them swim away so I hope we didn't hurt them or anything. I ended up looking under rocks for crabs and things for most of the time. After a few days I went back home, and last night I celebrated NYE at J's house, we had Japanese curry and sushi for dinner, watched fireworks on tv, took some cute photos, drank some (non alcoholic) wine/champagne and kissed at midnight ofc! There's no one else I'd wanna ring the new years in with.
I go back to uni in Feb and I'm so excited I miss it a lot. I'm only taking 3 classes instead of 4 this semester, cause 2 are gonna be 3rd year. I'm taking a developmental psych class, one specifily on dementia and one on advanced research techniquies. I am seeing MCR in a few months in a place in my country I've never been to. I am so so so excited. Until next time x

5/12/2022
Listening to: The wind

Well it has been quite a while and a lot has happened. I left uni and I did pass all my exams and classes. I also moved out into a sharehouse for a few months but I moved back home again be the landlord sucked. I got a new job which I did enjoy even though it made me very stressed. I quit though, due to both mental and physical health issues. I had a laproscopic surgery and I only have minor endometrosis which is great, but it doesn't explain the unbarable pain I regulary experience. I have been referred to a chronic pain specialist. I have also had two fainting episodes. I have gotten dizzy before but never passed out. The first time happened at hospital in the emergency room and I had to stay over night. The second happened while I was having high tea with my bestie, L. It's really scary but I am going to talk to a doctor about it soon. J and I are better then ever we travelled to *redacted* for a combined birthday trip, we had some amazing experiences that I am so glad I got to share with him.
I have been studying more Buddhism and yesterday J, my mum and I went to the monastry's yearly picnic in the park and it was amazing! There were so many lovely people and I even worked up the courage to introduce myself to the Lama, even though I was apperantly bright red. He said that it's good that I am reading a lot, and trying to meditate more. I told him I am not familer with all the formalities like Prostrations, and he told me not to worry at all because we are all the same here. He said he looked fowards to seeing me more. I am super excited for Christmas, it is one of my favourite times of the year, gift giving is my main love langauge and I love all the food and seeing my family. Anyway, bye x

5/05/2022

Drinking: Iced green tea
Watching: some random youtube videos idk

Hello again.Today it rained all day.All I did was read, nap and play Minecraft. It was lovely. I read 200 pages of "My year of rest and relaxation" by Ottessa Moshfegh, I read her book Homesick for another world a while ago and I loved it so much, so when I went shopping a couple of days of ago I picked it up. I'm almost finished it and I think it will be one of my new favourite books. I took my best friend to hightea for her birthday and we went shopping, I brought an animal crossing puzzle, the book, bath bombs and this fancy blooming tea. The day after I met up with an old friend from highschool, which was nice. I've decided to take 6 months from uni for my mental health. I'm going to try and relax more but also get more work/a new job. I had my first exam of the season yesterday for my reasearch skills class, I think I went well and I'm confident for my other two.

29/05/2022

Drinking: Iced green tea
Eating: Chinese food
Watching: "You Can't Ask That - Gay Men"

Hiya.I've had a really great month.I travelled to *redacted* by myself and it was so awesome, I'm keen to travel again. I did so many fun things. I saw my first drag show. I met J's half brother and he is very cute. He turns one soon. School has been pretty hard lately, I'm currently revising for exams and I'm feeling pretty meh about it. I've also had no shifts at work :( I met some of J's friends and it was really nice! Last night I went to a party with him, where all the guys wore dresses and all the girls wore tradionally male clothes, I dress like a guy a lot of the time anyway, but it was a good laugh. I wore a deer hunting shirt which really made my fit (I detest hunting for sport/fun and consider all sentiant beings equal). On the way home we found a dead dog on the road. I used to work at a vet clinic and I am confident in pet first aid and animal care. It would've been killed on impact. It was warm but it had no heartbeat, wasn't breathing, had a blue tounge, had no eye movements or reaction to the inner eyes being touched, his nose was bleeding too. It was a horrible thing to see, after we determined it wasn't going be saved, while the others were organising notifying the owner, I held it and patted it. It was very sad, I feel sorry for him. Apart from that, and watching "Graveyard of fireflies" I've have a pretty happy time lately. I've been playing sims a lot on J's computer, we made our own charecters that look like us and his dog. I mad a siamise cat called peanut butter and an italian greyhound called max, but he got taken away :( J and I live together but we aren't in a reletionship even though I'm pregnant with his kid AHAHA. Anyway I gotta finish eating dinner, and watch this show with my mum.

7/04/2022

Watching: Hoarders
Drinking: Rose and mango green tea

I'm doing a whole lot better then the last entry, I think I was just having a moment. I don't have too many updates. There's only a few weeks of semester one left. I dropped my coding class and I'm making up for it with a creative writing analyse class over the winter. I'm not particulary intersted in the subject but atleast it won't be too difficult or long. I'm now the second year representitive for the university's psych society, which is cool. I didn't really apply but I was still elected. The only other notable school related thing is that I got a 62/64 or a high distinction (The highest mark you can get) for a data analyses on fishing fleets in my state. I think thats my highest mark so far. I treated myself to a little shopping trip, sushi and bubble tea for that one :)
I've been spending more time with J, at eachothers houses and on outings. We went with my mum to the local Buddhist Monstary for some meditation and teachings last week. Mum and I have been before and both at least somewhat idenify with Buddhism. J had never been but he really enjoyed it and wants to go again. It always makes me feel better after I go there, like my mind, body and spirit have been reset, theres something just so warm and comforting about that place and the lama. I feel safe there.
I have a few exciting things coming up, my best friend and her bf meeting J and I for lunch, mum, my brother, J and I going to visit my realitives in a place J's never been for Easter, and me meeting J's stepmum and baby half brother. Also semester break coming up! I promise over the break I'll write a new article (and maybe get around to rewriting some old ones). I am very happy and excited for autumn and winter. Until next time.

24/03/2022

Listening to: "Mitski-Nobody"

So, some good stuff has happened since my last entry. Mainly I’ve started dating one of those beautiful people I mentioned. We’ll call him J. J is the first guy to take me on a real date. Multiple real dates! Which is kinda shit when you think about it because I’ve been in two “serious” long term relationships since I was 15. He’s the first partner I’ve had that does more than the bare minimum to make me feel happy and loved. Anyway, he’s lovely, I feel like he really gets me, I enjoy spending time with him and doing stuff with him, like going out, or staying in to play video games together, watch movies and help each other code. I like listening to what he’s passionate about too. He has a nice family and cute pets.

I also travelled a few hours away to celebrate one of my best friend’s birthdays, we got a hotel room, got smashed and saw some local bands. It was fun but I wish I wore comfier shoes and drank a little bit less.

Now onto the shit stuff. I finally went told a doctor about all these symptoms I have. She told me it was not normal and she referred me to somewhere else for an ultrasound. I got the ultrasound and they found a ton of endometrisis. I’ve been having all these symptoms since I was about 13 but whenever I’d tell anyone how much pain I was in theyd just tell me to have some Panadol and deal with it because period pain is normal. I’m angry no one listened to me. Endo is said to be one of the most painful conditions that exists and for the last 7 years I’ve been just dealing with it because no one listened and I thought I was just weak. The kicker is the longer it’s left untreated the more damage it causes to the point the infertility is common. Later in the year I’m getting a laparoscopic surgery, they will cut holes in my tummy and stick a camera in to look around. Until then I just have to medicate, use heat packs, do yoga, have hot baths and shock myself with a TENS machine which is kinda weird. I also get to go on the pill and not take the sugar pills, so I stop my period and don’t get any more damage. It just sucks that my body is so useless at doing a basic biological task.I’m angry at myself and everyone who didn’t take me seriously and I feel bad because I also know that they didn’t know what was going on. I just remember things like “It’s just period cramps, you can’t lay in bed the entire week, you just have to man up and deal with it like every other woman does.” Sometimes I would lay in bed and cry in pain, and my parents would be like *shrugs* it’s just cramps we can’t go to the hospital about that, have a warm bath. Like sometimes it gets so bad I can’t walk. And the fact I might not be able to have kids just breaks my heart. I know the value of my life and myself doesn’t change if I have kids or not but it’s something I’ve always wanted from a young age. I planned that if I was single that I’d wait until I have a good psych job, and was emotionally and finacely ready to have a kid I’d get IVF. I know that I might not be infertile but from the severity of everything I probably am. It’s just such a loss. I know that they can remove some endo growths so you can have the best shot to get pregnant, but still. I also know that surragcy and adoption are options but it’s just not the same.

School is stressing me out, my coding class is fucking hard, a friend is gonna help me with it next week, but I’m like two weeks behind already. I failed a test yesterday and I have another one on Monday that I’m really not confident about. Until next time.

18/02/2022

Watching: Skins
Listeing to: Lana Del Rey

I’m doing so much better since the last entry, even though I wasn’t doing particularly bad or anything lmao. It’s O week this week, uni goes back next week. I’m taking two stats classes this semester, which I’m secretly really looking forwards to. I prefer the math/science/medical classes that I have to take way more than the wishy-washy theory ones. I just find it so much easier when it’s black and white. And it’s fun to work towards a solution and have the satisfaction of finally getting it. I know it’s going to be hard though since this year my marks go towards my GPA and have an effect on what I can do after this degree but I’ve done harder things, so I know I’ll be okay. I also finally got my L’s, which is big deal. Driving is fun and I’m actually going pretty well in my lessons, I haven’t died yet. I also had a bit of a breakthrough with my psych a while ago, we didn’t have much to talk about, but we were talking about the fact I’m in my second year of uni, and I honestly can’t believe it, I didn’t think I’d be alive this long. I’ve said it a million times, usually when I’m complaing about something. “I don’t know how to file my taxes, I didn’t plan this fair ahead, I thought I would’ve offed myself by now.” But this time it was an overwhelming feeling of like oh shit like I survived, I did it, like I’m an actual adult now, I have so much freedom and I can finally see my future. I know I’ve been 18 for a while so idk why it’s hit me so hard now, maybe because I’m not being abused I dunno. I can’t wait until I can just drive away by myself and disappear for a bit. I’m flying to *redacted* for a while by myself in a few months, I’m so excited, I’m thinking of moving there. I just realised one night I could buy plane tickets to anywhere and just go!! It’s awesome, It’s what I’ve been waiting for, like if high school me could see how I’m doing now shed be amazed. I also met some awesome, cool, beautiful people in the last few weeks, including online friends. I’ve been invited to lunches, dinners, gigs, parties, and I think, ironically, the only thing that’s changed is that I’ve stopped living to please other people. And that I know I’m loved because I love myself. I just do whatever I feel will make me happy and I think it’s the best way to live. I know I won’t feel this good forever but the fact I’m feeling anything at all is enough to celebrate. Also we got a cat, I love the little bastard boy.

25/01/2022

Listening to: Pick Me Up I'm Scared the Podcast

I'm not really sure what I'm going to write in here. Nothing too personal cause people I know in real life have acess to this website and I don't wanna be too embarrasing. I'm pretty tired today, I haven't been sleeping well. This is one of my favourite times of the year though, right before school goes back. I have so much to look fowards to and I'm very excited and happy, but I've been having such a constant deep feeling of anxiety in my pit of my stomach that I just want to go away. I know that it'll go away soon enough but it's very unpleasant. I've been distracting myself as much as I can but it's still there. I'm seeing my psych tomorrow so that's good. I can't wait for school to start.