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25/01/2022

Listening to: Pick Me Up I'm Scared the Podcast

I'm not really sure what I'm going to write in here. Nothing too personal cause people I know in real life have acess to this website and I don't wanna be too embarrasing. I'm pretty tired today, I haven't been sleeping well. This is one of my favourite times of the year though, right before school goes back. I have so much to look fowards to and I'm very excited and happy, but I've been having such a constant deep feeling of anxiety in my pit of my stomach that I just want to go away. I know that it'll go away soon enough but it's very unpleasant. I've been distracting myself as much as I can but it's still there. I'm seeing my psych tomorrow so that's good. I can't wait for school to start.

18/02/2022

Watching: Skins
Listeing to: Lana Del Rey

I’m doing so much better since the last entry, even though I wasn’t doing particularly bad or anything lmao. It’s O week this week, uni goes back next week. I’m taking two stats classes this semester, which I’m secretly really looking forwards to. I prefer the math/science/medical classes that I have to take way more than the wishy-washy theory ones. I just find it so much easier when it’s black and white. And it’s fun to work towards a solution and have the satisfaction of finally getting it. I know it’s going to be hard though since this year my marks go towards my GPA and have an effect on what I can do after this degree but I’ve done harder things, so I know I’ll be okay. I also finally got my L’s, which is big deal. Driving is fun and I’m actually going pretty well in my lessons, I haven’t died yet. I also had a bit of a breakthrough with my psych a while ago, we didn’t have much to talk about, but we were talking about the fact I’m in my second year of uni, and I honestly can’t believe it, I didn’t think I’d be alive this long. I’ve said it a million times, usually when I’m complaing about something. “I don’t know how to file my taxes, I didn’t plan this fair ahead, I thought I would’ve offed myself by now.” But this time it was an overwhelming feeling of like oh shit like I survived, I did it, like I’m an actual adult now, I have so much freedom and I can finally see my future. I know I’ve been 18 for a while so idk why it’s hit me so hard now, maybe because I’m not being abused I dunno. I can’t wait until I can just drive away by myself and disappear for a bit. I’m flying to *redacted* for a while by myself in a few months, I’m so excited, I’m thinking of moving there. I just realised one night I could buy plane tickets to anywhere and just go!! It’s awesome, It’s what I’ve been waiting for, like if high school me could see how I’m doing now shed be amazed. I also met some awesome, cool, beautiful people in the last few weeks, including online friends. I’ve been invited to lunches, dinners, gigs, parties, and I think, ironically, the only thing that’s changed is that I’ve stopped living to please other people. And that I know I’m loved because I love myself. I just do whatever I feel will make me happy and I think it’s the best way to live. I know I won’t feel this good forever but the fact I’m feeling anything at all is enough to celebrate. Also we got a cat, I love the little bastard boy.